Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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