why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
