i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
