my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
