You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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