I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
