there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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