I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
