I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
