No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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