After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
