worst night to have a conscience
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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