haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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