i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
