I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
