peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
