I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
