Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I love having hate sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
