I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
