I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
