Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
