I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
