I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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