dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
