So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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