Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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