I heard we made out
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
