this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
