Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
