If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
