Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
