Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
