Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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