hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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