nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
