Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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