You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize