then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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