went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
