Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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