He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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