Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
