wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
