Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
