chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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