please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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