Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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