well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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