I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
