even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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