All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
