Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
