I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
