This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize