The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
