It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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