I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
