Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
