I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
